Happy People Don’t Judge Others: They Seek Wisdom
“Wisdom flows from a balanced and neutral mind.”
~Tarasa B. Lovick
One of the biggest obstacles on our paths towards wholeness is being judgmental. Why is it an obstacle? When we are unaware of our judgmental attitude, we suffer and we cause pain to others: we become angry, hateful, defensive, anxious, and isolated. A judgmental attitude not only alienates us from others, but most importantly from our own souls. What I am proposing is that we take a deeper look at the propensity to being judgmental, and gain an understanding of how it impacts individuals and humanity. Instead, of running from it, if we could understand it, and work to transform it in our selves, then there would be a transformation in the collective consciousness—then we can create world peace.
Anyone who says they haven't been judgmental is probably lying or in denial, since few of us are so enlightened that we don't pass judgment on others. We all generally prefer to see ourselves as intelligent, generous, kind, patient, forgiving, loving and compassionate people. But the truth is that sometimes we’re greedy, lack intelligence, are mean, impatient, not forgiving and not loving. Let’s face it, if we’re honest with ourselves, we actually have some ‘flaws’ that we prefer to avoid seeing at all costs: we get jealous when someone performs better than us, we lie when we want to make ourselves look important, we withhold sharing.
Life throws us curve balls sometimes, for example the world shutdown in 2020-21; and these can cause us to believe that we aren’t perfect just the way we are (accepting oneself as you are is a requisite to making a different choice). So many people suffer because they don’t know that they are enough. If we define perfect as never making a mistake, there is no freedom to discover new possibilities or to make conscious choices to change our thinking or philosophy or behavior when new evidence presents itself. It’s significant that most people will acknowledge that they grow the most by learning from their mistakes—the operational word is learning.
The reality is that most of us have NOT been taught to embrace facing our ‘shadows.’
We tend to avoid or react to anything or anyone who tries to point out our ‘flaws’: our blind spots that we can’t see (that is after all why we call them blind spots); they are not conscious to us. Additionally, the unconscious is not conscious to us either. However, if we could come to realize that our blind spots and the unconscious are our gifts, maybe we could actually start viewing ourselves from a more holistic perspective. For example, we could contemplate how, “My weaknesses are a gift to me.” Obviously the growth is in seeing how this really is not true for you.
Seriously, what we really need to realize is that our dark side holds the keys to our authentic self-acceptance, inner freedom, happiness, and wisdom.
Defining Judgmental
A judgmental person essentially thinks, speaks, or behaves in a manner that reflects a condemnatory point of view. When we are judgmental we are finding fault with another person, group of people, idea, some aspect of ourselves, or situation. In a nutshell, we are seeing through the filter of our limited beliefs and attachments, condemning something or someone as “bad,” “stupid,” “unworthy,” for example. We all are different. Every single person in the world is unique and has his or her own set of experiences, beliefs, and principles. Each human possesses an intricate and continuously evolving identity. Therefore, it is impossible to say, that one person is better than the other one. It is not true. If this were not true, we wouldn’t see the beauty in each individual. We all want to find ourselves, to be happy, to be free; to live in peace. On the other hand, being judgmental when it is extended towards ourselves, leads to problems such as self-hatred, depression, anxiety and violence (all of these are rooted in shame).
Distinguishing Between Discernment and Being Judgmental
There is a huge difference between being discerning and being judgmental. Wisdom comes from a balanced and neutral mind. On the other hand, being judgmental comes from an imbalanced and reactive mind that is seeking to protect itself. Therefore, we could say that being judgmental is actually a defense mechanism. A defense mechanism is a type of conscious or unconscious thought that is used to protect the ego. The ego is our false conditioned self, the “I” that individuals identify with. As a survival instinct, one of the results of the ego is to keep us feeling separate from others, and that often happens through various defense mechanisms.
As a defense mechanism being judgmental benefits the ego in numerous ways. First, by making you feel superior to others; often this is the fruit is self-righteousness (the root of radical thinking, not balance). Therefore, being judgmental gives you a false self-worth at the expense of respect to the other. An unchecked inflated sense of self creates a narcissistic, sociopathic or psychotic personality (Fauci is a perfect example of this). The thing is, a superiority complex is not a behavior that serves you. Let's face it: we judge others because we need to feel better about ourselves; we are insecure. It may make you feel superior or secure in the short-term, but the long-term stress of never feeling good enough can lead to a host of issues; none of which will make you happy. And finally, being judgmental can be a root cause of projection, which is avoiding our own faults by pointing them out in others; and “protecting” us from being hurt by others. Projection is an unconscious reaction because the person is not aware that they are doing it. There is a great deal of projection in the world today, main stream media is a perfect example of projection. For example, mainstream media demonizes anyone who has a different perspective than the anti-human agenda narratives that are being propagated by those who are teaching hate, using methods such as critical race theory (the result is suppression and censorship, not discourse).
It doesn’t matter what the issue is, what matters is that there is no room for discourse, because the mind and heart are closed and therefore biased.
As much as you might be challenged to argue that you don’t practice these behaviors, the reality is that these behaviors are typically rooted in the unconscious mind. In other words, you are completely unaware that such drives are at the core of your judgmental attitude. So, the solution is to become conscious; pay complete attention to the moment. Below is a list of behaviors for you to review so you can get an idea of your tendencies and/or habits about being judgmental. When you look over this list, try to be honest about how many of these signals you resonate with. Do you have strong feelings while reading through this list? Does anything on the list make you angry, defensive, anxious? If so, you are probably being emotionally triggered, meaning that being judgmental may be an issue for you.
Signals of judgmental tendencies:
You believe that everyone is out to get you.
You expect other people to be consistent all the time.
You can’t see beyond a person’s shortcomings.
You automatically jump to conclusions.
You dislike ambiguity and uncertainty.
You can’t tolerant people that are not like you.
You are perceived as a pessimist.
You tend to believe people are either ‘good’ or ‘bad.’
You have a hard time seeing the beauty in others.
You don’t like yourself.
You feel anxious around people.
You’re suspicious and generally don’t trust others.
Your inner critic harshly judges you.
You hate yourself.
At this point, it feels important to remind us to be careful of judging being judgmental. It can be easy to start thinking that you’re a horrible person for having this ‘character flaw.’ So for now, know that being judgmental is a human issue; you are not alone. So sit with it, think about it, and work on accepting yourself, EVEN and most importantly, your harsh inner critic.
Ultimately, being judgmental is rooted in a lack of self-awareness which is usually associated with attachments; say beliefs that you rigidly hold, and have no inner freedom to question. By finding something to dislike or condemn about others, you are protecting yourself from being vulnerable, avoiding your own shadow, and inflating your ego. All of these points relate back to your frail usually negative beliefs about your self. You can ask yourself, “How do you respond when someone else is judging you?
Being judgmental is a habit; it is possible for it to be an addiction. Being addicted to judgementalism is perhaps a root cause of the systemic cultural narcissism in key figures like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos and others.
So how is being judgmental transformed? The answer is that above all, one needs to look within and become conscious of what is inside of themselves that is making them judgmental. You may judge other people because you’re not comfortable in your own skin. It takes great courage to see the root inside one’s self that makes you have the need to be superior, for example. Most people don’t consciously walk through life desiring to hurt another. This is important because the more accepting you are of yourself, the more accepting you will be of others (accepting does not mean agreeing, it simple means that you realize that the other is sovereign too). Conversely, the more rejecting you are of yourself, the more rejecting you will be of others.
The outer is a reflection of the inner.
A wonderful story that demonstrates this principle is when Jesus forgives the woman caught in adultery. She was sentenced to be stoned to death for sexual misconduct. It’s a poignant story pointing to the necessity of facing ourselves as we are inside our hearts (it is also a powerful demonstration of Jesus’ wisdom). Jesus as a sovereign being, dealt directly with the crowd who condemned the women caught in adultery.
We are told that the Scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught in adultery; it is signifiant that the man was not being presented (it takes two to tango). Presenting her to Jesus they said, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery.” After quoting the Law of Moses, they asked Jesus, “What do you have to say about this breaking of the law?” We can assume that she is guilty because the Scribes and Pharisees caught her in the act of adultery. We can also assume that their purpose was not to justify the law, or they would have also brought the man. The law required that both be stoned to death.
They knew if Jesus ordered her to be stoned to death the Romans could legally arrest him (the Romans did not permit the Jews to carry out executions). Moreover, if Jesus had said she should not be stoned, they would accuse Him of breaking Moses' law. So it’s fair to assume that the Scribes and Pharisees were hoping to trap Jesus.
What did Jesus do? He bent down and wrote on the ground with his finger. It would be a complete distraction to debate what Jesus may have written—it’s simply not relevant. I imagine that this is how he chose to stay calm (maintain a balanced and neutral mind), until he received wisdom on how to respond in this situation.
They continued to ask him, “What should we do?” They were sure that they had trapped him. Instead Jesus stood up brilliantly proclaiming, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her."
Essentially, Jesus said that only the ones without sin were worthy to cast the first stone at the woman. Then we are told that beginning with the elders, the crowd of accusers dropped their stones, and walked away; until Jesus was left alone with only the woman standing before him.
This is a tremendous statement about being judgmental toward not only the adulterous woman, but all sinners. Jesus said that only the sinless were worthy of casting the first stone. While Christians cannot condone sin, we are not to be so quick to pass judgment, that is God's role, not ours. We are to pray, guide, and show compassion.
So, Jesus addressed her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” This is an example of how Jesus forgives all sin. He did not condemn the adulterous woman; nor did he say that adultery was no longer a sin. On the contrary, he openly revealed her sin when he told her, "Go, and sin no more.” Based upon the law of God, this woman had committed a sin that required the death sentence. However, Jesus, had the authority to forgive this woman's sin, which he did. The adulterous woman's sin was forgiven by God, complete forgiveness.
You don’t have to judge another being, you just have to work on yourself. Changing the outside won’t make you happy.
So start by simply watching how your mind judges. For example, you may discover that by judging, you find out where you stand in relation to other people. Judgment comes in part out of fear, so you most definitely need courage to look into the fear. The judging mind is divisive. It separates. Separation closes your heart. If you close your heart to someone, you are perpetuating your suffering and theirs. Shifting out of judgment means learning to appreciate your predicament and their predicament with an open heart instead of judging. Then you can allow yourself and others to exist, without creating separation. Then like Jesus, you can be given the wisdom to respond with compassion.
